||[Jan. 10th, 2004|08:51 pm]
i went to amy's house. we were going to go to the dance, but i didn't want to, and she had to work on her essays. so we stayed in. i kept thinking that maybe nat would call, even for a couple of minutes. even a 'i can't really talk, because i've got work, but i know you were really excited about something so i wanted to know what it was' call. that actually would have made me really happy, because then i would know that she cared about how excited i was. i don't think she does though, and i'm not being mopey, i just don't think it is comparatively important to her when she thinks about things like homework and laela, and being on the internet. i don't know, i just feel really left out in the cold in terms of things. okay, to explain more clearly: my best friend and my girlfriend, who i love as much as my family, who has been through so much with me, does find my being excited about something important enough to call, or leave a message. And, because my phone has been on until midnight every night, and then when i wake up it gets turned on again, i know she hasn't even tried to call, or leave a message.|
and the thing is, i feel like this is something i'm going to have to get accustomed to if i want to stay her friend. i have to get used to that, when she promises to call the next day, that doesn't mean she's going to call, or even apologize for not calling. That maybe i'll hear from her next week, and that if i want to talk to her, i have to do it entirely on her schedule. i have to deal with the fact that she doesn't have time for me most of the time, and that when she reads this, she's going to be pissed at me for saying that she doesn't call. that i have to just deal with statements like 'well it's not like i could even call you right now, because i'm doin X', when all i want or need is two seconds to tell her something important. that's something i need to become used to. i need to stop expecting her to call me back. i have to understand that if i get mad about this, i'm not understanding her side, and that i'm expecting too much.
i'm not even mad at this point. i'm resigned. i was mad when i ranted to amy, when i was shaking and i was fighting not to cry in front of amy because we were in public, and i wasn't, i refused, to break down while i was walking to her house. but i'm not mad anymore. if she calls, she calls. if she doesn't...maybe she'll call in a couple of weeks, and she'll act like everything's cool, and i'll do the same because i just don't want her to be mad.