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(no subject) [May. 6th, 2004|11:42 pm]
um, did i do something nat? because it looks like you signed off when i said hi...
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(no subject) [Mar. 20th, 2004|07:11 pm]
it's difficult to do pretty much everything except write now. most things make me want to cry but i haven't cried in a month. sick of crying, maybe haven't cried in two months, not sure. didn't cry during breakup, know that, since before that. tired, and nothings helping. sick and nothings helping. god this is retarded. probably not updating this anymore. pointless.
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(no subject) [Jan. 10th, 2004|08:51 pm]
i went to amy's house. we were going to go to the dance, but i didn't want to, and she had to work on her essays. so we stayed in. i kept thinking that maybe nat would call, even for a couple of minutes. even a 'i can't really talk, because i've got work, but i know you were really excited about something so i wanted to know what it was' call. that actually would have made me really happy, because then i would know that she cared about how excited i was. i don't think she does though, and i'm not being mopey, i just don't think it is comparatively important to her when she thinks about things like homework and laela, and being on the internet. i don't know, i just feel really left out in the cold in terms of things. okay, to explain more clearly: my best friend and my girlfriend, who i love as much as my family, who has been through so much with me, does find my being excited about something important enough to call, or leave a message. And, because my phone has been on until midnight every night, and then when i wake up it gets turned on again, i know she hasn't even tried to call, or leave a message.

and the thing is, i feel like this is something i'm going to have to get accustomed to if i want to stay her friend. i have to get used to that, when she promises to call the next day, that doesn't mean she's going to call, or even apologize for not calling. That maybe i'll hear from her next week, and that if i want to talk to her, i have to do it entirely on her schedule. i have to deal with the fact that she doesn't have time for me most of the time, and that when she reads this, she's going to be pissed at me for saying that she doesn't call. that i have to just deal with statements like 'well it's not like i could even call you right now, because i'm doin X', when all i want or need is two seconds to tell her something important. that's something i need to become used to. i need to stop expecting her to call me back. i have to understand that if i get mad about this, i'm not understanding her side, and that i'm expecting too much.

i'm not even mad at this point. i'm resigned. i was mad when i ranted to amy, when i was shaking and i was fighting not to cry in front of amy because we were in public, and i wasn't, i refused, to break down while i was walking to her house. but i'm not mad anymore. if she calls, she calls. if she doesn't...maybe she'll call in a couple of weeks, and she'll act like everything's cool, and i'll do the same because i just don't want her to be mad.
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(no subject) [Jan. 6th, 2004|10:20 pm]
i kind of thought she'd call. i've been kind of waiting. so now do what? i could go online and goof off, but there's no point in that, because if she gets online, im not talking through the internet. that gets old real fast. i still have news that i want to tell her. she's not going to call.
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(no subject) [Jan. 6th, 2004|08:12 am]
i was angry yesterday, and didn't mean half of the things i wrote. i'm apologizing, but i'm not deleting it, because that would be pretending that what i felt was non-existent, and that wouldn't be cool. repression bad, yes?
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(no subject) [Jan. 5th, 2004|10:30 pm]
im a fucking idiot for thinking that anyone would want me. jesus christ, i feel like again, im in the same situation i was originally with will. he wanted somethign physical that i could give, so i'm gone. the only difference between the two situations are that i want to give this time. you know what? she thinks she's going to die alone? well, maybe if she wouldn't tell people that she was going out with them while she's trying to fuck some guy online, things would be fine. this is me feeling so goddamn stupid. i want to throw up my dinner. i was having a good day. a wonderful day. i've been trying to call her all night, trying to tell her my good news, but you know what? im not even really all that happy anymore. my good news seems too far in the future, and all my- all my positive energy has gone out the window. i hate being a fucking moron. i hate believing shit that comes out of people's mouths. next thing you know, my good news will be a computer glitch. yeah, fuck the world, what the fuck does it care? and i've been talking to her like a fool, thinking that we were together, thinking that everything was great and i was happy. i went squealing to amy about it. she was happy for me. goddamnit, she was happy that i was still dating HER. yeah, well, we see how that works out. im fucked, yet again, because...because...i don't know the fuck why. because im not perfect. because im still going to be there for her no matter what, so she can FORGET that she told me we were trying again. You know what? i knew, i KNEW, that she was doing it out of pity, to try to get me out of my suicidal mood. i knew she was just saying that shit to me, because i am a thing to be pitied. you know what? i can't believe i listened. i listened like i believe everyone. i listened like i did with everyone else who has said they're my friend, and then just stop. the worst part about this is that i still want to try. i want there to be some excuse, that maybe things were just workable. i would be fine if we weren't going out- well, i'd have concerned issues being her friend- but id be fine with her wanting to see someone else. i would be fine if she hadnt told me we were TRYING AGAIN. i thought we were still going out. i was talking about her with alysha today. i was so goddamn happy. i was trying to call her for hours now. i feel like a fool. im going to try to call again.
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(no subject) [Jan. 5th, 2004|10:25 pm]
i have really great, wonderful news...i've been telling everyone and i wanted to tell my gf...then i found out, for the second time, that i don't have one. i love karma
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(no subject) [Dec. 27th, 2003|05:44 pm]
i am waiting for her to send me a story she wrote for me two days ago. i want to im her and ask her for it, but because of promises that i made to myself, i can't do that, nor can i call her about it. i do want to talk to her, so don't think that i don't nat, but there are reasons for my personal health that i'd be glad to explain if you call that i can't do either.
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(no subject) [Dec. 21st, 2003|08:50 pm]
everyone but me is very happy that im still here. im happy for them, i guess. i mean, i dont know how to explain to them that im still unhappy, in the actual state of my head and everythign. i think it's like, they dont realize that i just went back to doing what i was doing before this week, still acting very happy, and okay with everything, because thats what they want, and they dont get that its not that im feeling better.

and its not any better that now im not allowed to sleep over at nats house- because she was too emotional about my being suicidal. i kind of just want to say 'i was there for your daughter through all of that, and now your reaction is to take her away?'. So, now, im probably going to lose nat, as a friend and a gf, because her mom doesnt want her around me. sucks shit, but there isnt anything that i can do about it. i dont even feel comfortable calling, not becasue i have difficulty talking to nat, because i want to, but because i know her mom doesnt want me to.

by the way, everything that nats mom said i wouldnt feel at my family party, i felt. i felt like a sore fucking thumb, and ended up following my father around like a puppy because there was no one else for me to talk to. Saphaire had all her friends there, and helen had olivia, so i was alone. and then my uncle kept trying to talk to me about the situation the whole time, saying how he needs me on the earth. which was sweet, but i wanted to cry the whole time, and i felt claustrophobic. So i did need someone there, but i didnt have anyone.

i went to see lord of the rings. good movie, excellent movie, but i saw it without nat, so it sucked that much more. i dont think it bothers her all that much though that we didnt see it together though.

i dont feel good. i havent felt good in a long time, and i dont feel like i can tell anyone. so im sitting here, searching for fic to read online because there is nothing else for me to do. i want to hide in fic again, but im running out of stories. when im only caring about fic and buffy and stuff like that, its safe. i wish that i could read lotr fic, but i dont want to think about that right now. im rereading the books now though, got to page a hundred. i forget who the hell i am when im reading the book, but not fic.
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(no subject) [Dec. 16th, 2003|03:19 pm]
Once, I had a fear when I was at nat's house. I went to her and asked 'hey, you don't have an online journal where you write about what you really think about me, right? If something was that bad, you'd tell me, right?' I was struck with this horrible terror about it. That secretly, she wanted me out of my life, and that she was telling the world except for me.

She promised me that she didn't do that, that she would never do that to me. I believed her. Why would she lie to me? This was while we were going out.

This is why I'm saying that she's lying to me.

And everyone can call me a coward for wanting this. I don't care. I'll be a coward. I'm quite happy with being a loser, being a coward. As long as all the shit stops, I'm good. I'm a coward, yes. I'm running from the fact that everyone I know lies to me. My mom, nat, will...there's more to that list, but I'm sick of listing all these names. I'm sick of sitting through class and looking back at the people who were my friends who hate me, and then when shit gets hard for them, they come back smiling and chatting to me. If anyone needs me, I'm always there, whether they care or not. I'm sick of being that person. I'm scared of setting myself up to get hurt for more. Everytime something happens that might make the day alright, maybe I won't cry to sleep, or stay up with insomnia, everything else happens and it all crashes down. People tell me that I've got shit to look forward to- what? John Jay? I stopped caring about what my letter said. I honestly don't care whether I go, but I keep saying that I do. I don't care that I'm going to fail Physics, and not graduate, and have to continue all my classes during the spring. I don't care that I'm going to disappoint everyone. I don't care that I already have. For once in my life, I don't care that I'm hurting people. This is something that I want to do on my own. The only thing I consider kind of regret-worthy is that I might not see the final lord of the rings. My house is getting repainted in the next couple of days. Maybe I should move the stuff off the walls so that my mom doesn't have to do it with her back.

I've been alternating between crying, being numb, and sleeping for the past couple of days. When I'm 'asleep', it's not a good, healthy sleep. Not that it matters
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